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Army Men: Sarge's Heroes

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Reviewed by Ivan O. 3DO had hit it big with BattleTanx and the Army Men series for PSX and PC, so when this came out for N64, it sold like water in the middle of a desert. I missed out on buying it and rented it. Soon I wondered why I rented it.

Graphics: 4.5 out of 10

The Graphics are not up to N64 standards and, quite simply, reek. Sarge is not a fan of clearness or framerate. I started with Boot Camp, and was sickend. Sarge was as fuzzy as a cat, and the area was shrouded in fog. I couldn't see very far and used trial and error to decide what was ahead. I was downright horrified by some of the enemies, which were 2-D. Ugh. The framerate was a terror, too, which was a shocker, considering how simple the graphics were. Anything else? Oh yeah, Sarge lookks like a twit! He is a buffed airhead.

Music and Sound: 4 out of 10

Technically, this is separated into two categories: Music: 8/10. I'll admit the music was good. It was pure military and fit the mood really well. Nothing to say here. Sound: 3/10. I absolutely hated this aspect of the game. The motors sounded kind of cool, but the voices stinked. There were grunts of pain and "Good to go!" when Sarge picked ups some health, but overall, the voices were lackluster. Vikki blurts a perverted "Oh Baby!" when she gets health, so be warned.

Game Challenge: 9 out of 10

The challenge was up there. The game gets frustrating at many points. A) Snipers. Is there really any fun getting picked off by many miles at all? No. Is it frustrating? Yes. B) Guys with bazookas or tanks. See above for bazooka men, and tanks are twice as bad, 'cause they can run you over. C) Guys with flameethrowers. The worst and most frustrating, because when you douse yourself, they're right in your face.

Game Play-Fun: 2 out of 10

This game is not fun. Period. Sarge moves incredibly slow, and when you let go of the analog stick, he still walks for a bit. Jumping is cool, but needs to be improved. Look, when I hit A, I want to jump, dang it! When Sarge finally jumps, I want to fire. Messy indeed. Aiming is a mess to. I have been killed many times while aiming. This is because AM:SH is based on a "toggle" aiming option. This means that when you hit R shoulder, you go into a first-person "sniper" mode. In reality, it should be a "hold" aiming option. The camera sucks, pure and simple. It is the worst I have ever endured, including Mario 64.


As I have stated before, the game is very frustrating. You will die many times before reaching the second level. This is because Enemies can take potshots at you during cinema scenes. Also, enemy AI happens to be very intelligent while your allies spend too much time running into walls to be any kind of help. Except for a human shield. The camera makes me cry. I'm dead serious. AM:SH swivels the camera so you can see nuthin' but Sarge, so you can see his molded green plastic body get shot to death by your opponents.

Replayability: 3 out of 10

The only thing worth playing again is multi, which gets repetitive after an hour and a half. When playing in the bathroom, I just stand there because my friend knows the level so he can just snipe from the toilet paper roll. I don't waste my time learning the levels.

Game Value: 5 out of 10

Rent the game for the weekend, but if you were suckered into actually buying this thing, you can play it if you feel bad about yourself. Otherwise, the cartridge makes a great paperweight, or you can give it to your dog for a chew toy... the possibilities are endless. Who says CDs are better?

Overall: 3 out of 10

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