Army Men: Sarge's Heroes
Reviewed by Ivan O.
3DO had hit it big with BattleTanx and the Army Men series for PSX
and PC, so when this came out for N64, it sold like water in the middle
of a desert. I missed out on buying it and rented it. Soon I wondered
why I rented it.
Graphics: 4.5 out of 10
The Graphics are not up to N64 standards and, quite simply, reek.
Sarge is not a fan of clearness or framerate. I started with Boot
Camp, and was sickend. Sarge was as fuzzy as a cat, and the area was
shrouded in fog. I couldn't see very far and used trial and error to decide
what was ahead. I was downright horrified by some of the enemies, which
were 2-D. Ugh. The framerate was a terror, too, which was a shocker,
considering how simple the graphics were. Anything else? Oh yeah, Sarge
lookks like a twit! He is a buffed airhead.
Music and Sound: 4 out of 10
Technically, this is separated into two categories:
Music: 8/10. I'll admit the music was good. It was pure military and fit
the mood really well. Nothing to say here.
Sound: 3/10. I absolutely hated this aspect of the game. The motors
sounded kind of cool, but the voices stinked. There were grunts of pain
and "Good to go!" when Sarge picked ups some health, but overall, the
voices were lackluster. Vikki blurts a perverted "Oh Baby!" when she
gets health, so be warned.
Game Challenge: 9 out of 10
The challenge was up there. The game gets frustrating at many points.
A) Snipers. Is there really any fun getting picked off by many miles at
all? No. Is it frustrating? Yes. B) Guys with bazookas or tanks.
See above for bazooka men, and tanks are twice as bad, 'cause they can
run you over. C) Guys with flameethrowers. The worst and most frustrating,
because when you douse yourself, they're right in your face.
Game Play-Fun: 2 out of 10
This game is not fun. Period. Sarge moves incredibly slow, and when
you let go of the analog stick, he still walks for a bit. Jumping is cool,
but needs to be improved. Look, when I hit A, I want to jump, dang it!
When Sarge finally jumps, I want to fire. Messy indeed. Aiming is a mess
to. I have been killed many times while aiming. This is because AM:SH is
based on a "toggle" aiming option. This means that when you hit R shoulder,
you go into a first-person "sniper" mode. In reality, it should be a "hold"
aiming option. The camera sucks, pure and simple. It is the worst I have
ever endured, including Mario 64.
Frustration
As I have stated before, the game is very frustrating. You will die many
times before reaching the second level. This is because Enemies can take
potshots at you during cinema scenes. Also, enemy AI happens to be very
intelligent while your allies spend too much time running into walls to
be any kind of help. Except for a human shield. The camera makes me cry.
I'm dead serious. AM:SH swivels the camera so you can see nuthin' but
Sarge, so you can see his molded green plastic body get shot to death
by your opponents.
Replayability: 3 out of 10
The only thing worth playing again is multi, which gets repetitive after an
hour and a half. When playing in the bathroom, I just stand there because
my friend knows the level so he can just snipe from the toilet paper roll.
I don't waste my time learning the levels.
Game Value: 5 out of 10
Rent the game for the weekend, but if you were suckered into actually buying
this thing, you can play it if you feel bad about yourself. Otherwise, the
cartridge makes a great paperweight, or you can give it to your dog for a
chew toy... the possibilities are endless. Who says CDs are better?
Overall: 3 out of 10